Low Self-Esteem / Confidence Leads to Insecurities?

Um…from where should I begin? Perhaps you could understand more if you were at the young adult retreat last month.

We were given the passage from James 1:2-8 to meditate. Throughout the 5 hours of fasting and meditation, I did not seem to hear from the Lord. Only after dinner, God showed me that I am as if the wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6b) and I have been finding a log or something in the deep ocean, hoping to find something that I could catch hold of (security) but I could not. The deep sense of insecurities was also due to my lacking of faith as what was mentioned in the meditation passage. This was shocking to me as I did not realize for so many years!

What I hear from the Lord has a lot to do with my insecurities issue that was posted up at the YTM blog on 14 September 2010. As I inquire my mentor and did some soul searching (besides praying), I remembered that on many incidents, I relied on various false sense of securities and become paranoid at times.

According to my mentor who has known me for about 10 years, he rightly pointed out that my insecurities were originated from my lack of confidence. Frankly speaking, from my childhood till now, my sister has been speaking in a destructive manner (e.g. saying that I’m silly or ugly looking). What she said has really brings a huge impact to my life as I indeed believe what she said!

One might ask what does low self-esteem has to do with insecurities? Trust me, due to my low self-esteem, I have all these questions (whether I will be safe? whether I will be loved? whether my dad will be healed? The list goes on and on) in the most secret place of my heart. Now, is the time for me to rebuild my confidence level.

There’s indeed lots of work got to be done in order to make right my perception on myself and searching for my identity.

For those of you who experience the similar situation as me, do not lose heart as you are precious in God’s eye too! For Psalm 139:8-18 says

8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b] Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.

p.s. All scriptures quote was from the New King James Version.

- Yit Mun

Images taken from:

http://www.fourteenfloor.com/page/2/
http://www.empower2themax.com.au/self-esteem