He who loved me and gave Himself for me!

Recently I have been going through tremendous pressure and stress; I have been working on this project for 6 months now and have involved a lot of people. The project is currently inching really near to its launch date. This project doesn't merely cost me if it were to fail; it will cost others as well in terms of reputation, their time and effort. I will have my constant deep sighs and I feel like I could break inside anytime.

Some of you must be wondering why I am writing with such “exaggerated” emotions - I write it because it’s real. I can’t deny what is really going on inside and neither do I want to deny it. But I had great difficulties doing so. I would constantly argue within myself, on one side, I would convince myself that the project will turn out as a great success; on the other side, it will be a total disaster.  Both way, I can substantiate good reasons and arguments to why it could be either way and it will never end.

I would constantly tell God that this is about His Glory, I am doing this for Him. As much as I would like to think that I am being very selfless and godly about the whole project, through time, God finally revealed my heart to me. Truly, the heart is beyond wickedness and I often tell my brother “the best liars are often ourselves”.

I was doing my quiet time and as I finally managed to steer away the concerns and deep anxiousness I had, I listened what God had to say to me. He said in His word in Galatians 2 : 19 – 20 :

“For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Paul saw what Peter did because he was afraid how others who are “righteous” would see him being amongst the gentiles, he quickly withdrew himself from them (gentiles). Paul in fact said “he wasn’t acting in line with the truth of the Gospel”. But what really hit me was in the passage as quoted above was “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” It really hit me that the source of my anxiousness and worries were really of my own selfishness. My pride and reputation, the deep desire to be vindicated in my family tree (I have the background of being the blacksheep) and amongst others.  It is no wonder why now I didn’t have God’s peace inside of me, I haven’t allowed Christ to live in me!

Having the peace of God does not mean I have tranquility in me, it means that I suffer in the surety of hope. Not an empty or shallow one (which is based on your own strength).

And then as I went deeper and as the silence of my own voice subside during my time with God, His following words cut my heart deeply, He said “…I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

Paul didn’t merely stop at saying “I live by faith in the Son of God” although that may already sound very holy and righteous. He went on to write and elaborate what sort of faith in the Son of God he meant, “…who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

What a beautiful faith is that! And how much I was actually missing out in living as a fool!

It is not as though I don’t already know this truth, but when bigger trials come, we being the weak self wavers so easily and gets tossed by the strong waves that come crashing in. More than that, God reminded how much He loved me and again, the power of His resurrection from the cross.

While Jesus was crucified as He makes His way up to the hill with the rugged cross on His back, in His mind He had His Father’s Glory in focus and manifested His Father’s love for me, my very wretched soul! And what I was busy thinking of in this suffering? Myself. I was deeply ashamed and never felt so ungrateful to the One who saved my soul from eternal darkness.

But God in His steadfast love and faithfulness immediately ministered upon my soul. I was liberated once more from my own foolish suffering and now, I start to suffer in joy. Suddenly, I realized failing is not the end of the world. Even if I did fail and the world were to blame me and shame me for it, I remember the faith I should live in and suffer I must. At least, I try my best to. Of course I am saying this with caution that I do not suffer meaninglessly; meaning to say that I did a sloppy and horrible job and I tried to justify that “suffering” as to something holy and righteous. That is different, that is a deserved suffering for one’s sin.

I pray that this post may serve as an encouragement or a gentle reminder to any sister or brother who is reading this. Amen!

- Gary Heng

Images are taken from :

http://trinities.org/blog/archives/category/humor
http://www.vappingo.com/word-blog/black-sheep-of-the-family/
http://www.opgart.com/NewWebsite/Fine_Art/People/PlayingForKeeps.html