Stolen Thoughts

My friends and I visit a special-needs centre almost every week. It is part of our group assignment for our university course. Today, we met a volunteer who was about my age. He was extremely friendly and confident. He was also completely open about his life and seemed to be a very positive and happy person. After talking to him for a bit, we found out that he scored very well in his STPM examination, plays the piano and finished grade 8, plays the guitar, has appeared in the newspaper numerous times because of his academic achievements and is currently a top student in his interior design course in USM.

These achievements might seem normal for most people but for him it is different because he is deaf.

I was reminded of my struggles a few weeks back. There was an upcoming exam that I was nowhere near prepared for and I had already done horribly on the previous exam. In my course, if you do not pass a certain score at the end of the year, you have to repeat the ENTIRE year. The amount of money and effort and time that would be wasted is just not worth it and it would be really embarrassing. The people who failed the previous years are actually quite hardworking and smart which made me even more scared because that shows how difficult it is to pass. I was really really stressed out but I couldn’t focus because I kept thinking that this was not what I wanted to do as a career. I had no motivation whatsoever to push myself and I just caved in. I wanted out. It just did not seem worth it.

I talked to various people ranging from my uni counselor to my parents to my friends. But the fear in me, I had to handle myself. God didn’t seem to be listening either and people didn’t seem to understand. I felt like giving up. Then a few days before my exam, I was doing my quiet time using a devotional book and it was based on this verse:

Psalm 13[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David. How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? 
 How long will you hide your face from me? 
 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 
 and day after day have sorrow in my heart? 
 How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, LORD my God. 
 Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, 
 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” 
 and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; 
 my heart rejoices in your salvation. 
 I will sing the LORD’s praise, 
 for he has been good to me.

The devotional said:

Sometimes, in the emotion of the moment, our minds play tricks on us. We think our loss is worse than it is. We may feel like the songwriter David who, in the confusion of the moment, thought God had forgotten him.

When David later recalled what he knew rather than what he feared, his sense of loss turned into a song of praise (Ps. 13:5-6). His renewed joy foreshadowed what is now ours to recall: Nothing can rob us of what is most important if our life is “hidden with Christ in God” (Col. 3:3).

Rest your assurance on God’s love in your heart—
not on the fear in your mind.

It spoke straight to where I was at that moment and I was reminded of God’s amazing love. Why should I fear when my life is hidden with Christ in God? I realized then that it was fear that was binding me and that was just ridiculous because that would mean that I didn’t trust God.

Today after meeting that volunteer – a complete and total stranger, I was suddenly reminded of that incident when fear bound me.

Colossians 3

Living as Those Made Alive in Christ Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

So, just an encouragement to set your heart on things above. Trust God, He has a plan and He loves you ;)

-Phoebe Lim

http://eu.fotolia.com/id/12376834
http://combemartin.blogspot.com/2008/11/light.html
http://realmofgod-parable.blogspot.com/2007/06/god-longing-for-you-gods-amazing-love.html

Low Self-Esteem / Confidence Leads to Insecurities?

Um…from where should I begin? Perhaps you could understand more if you were at the young adult retreat last month.

We were given the passage from James 1:2-8 to meditate. Throughout the 5 hours of fasting and meditation, I did not seem to hear from the Lord. Only after dinner, God showed me that I am as if the wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6b) and I have been finding a log or something in the deep ocean, hoping to find something that I could catch hold of (security) but I could not. The deep sense of insecurities was also due to my lacking of faith as what was mentioned in the meditation passage. This was shocking to me as I did not realize for so many years!

What I hear from the Lord has a lot to do with my insecurities issue that was posted up at the YTM blog on 14 September 2010. As I inquire my mentor and did some soul searching (besides praying), I remembered that on many incidents, I relied on various false sense of securities and become paranoid at times.

According to my mentor who has known me for about 10 years, he rightly pointed out that my insecurities were originated from my lack of confidence. Frankly speaking, from my childhood till now, my sister has been speaking in a destructive manner (e.g. saying that I’m silly or ugly looking). What she said has really brings a huge impact to my life as I indeed believe what she said!

One might ask what does low self-esteem has to do with insecurities? Trust me, due to my low self-esteem, I have all these questions (whether I will be safe? whether I will be loved? whether my dad will be healed? The list goes on and on) in the most secret place of my heart. Now, is the time for me to rebuild my confidence level.

There’s indeed lots of work got to be done in order to make right my perception on myself and searching for my identity.

For those of you who experience the similar situation as me, do not lose heart as you are precious in God’s eye too! For Psalm 139:8-18 says

8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b] Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.

p.s. All scriptures quote was from the New King James Version.

- Yit Mun

Images taken from:

http://www.fourteenfloor.com/page/2/
http://www.empower2themax.com.au/self-esteem