Low Self-Esteem / Confidence Leads to Insecurities?

Um…from where should I begin? Perhaps you could understand more if you were at the young adult retreat last month.

We were given the passage from James 1:2-8 to meditate. Throughout the 5 hours of fasting and meditation, I did not seem to hear from the Lord. Only after dinner, God showed me that I am as if the wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6b) and I have been finding a log or something in the deep ocean, hoping to find something that I could catch hold of (security) but I could not. The deep sense of insecurities was also due to my lacking of faith as what was mentioned in the meditation passage. This was shocking to me as I did not realize for so many years!

What I hear from the Lord has a lot to do with my insecurities issue that was posted up at the YTM blog on 14 September 2010. As I inquire my mentor and did some soul searching (besides praying), I remembered that on many incidents, I relied on various false sense of securities and become paranoid at times.

According to my mentor who has known me for about 10 years, he rightly pointed out that my insecurities were originated from my lack of confidence. Frankly speaking, from my childhood till now, my sister has been speaking in a destructive manner (e.g. saying that I’m silly or ugly looking). What she said has really brings a huge impact to my life as I indeed believe what she said!

One might ask what does low self-esteem has to do with insecurities? Trust me, due to my low self-esteem, I have all these questions (whether I will be safe? whether I will be loved? whether my dad will be healed? The list goes on and on) in the most secret place of my heart. Now, is the time for me to rebuild my confidence level.

There’s indeed lots of work got to be done in order to make right my perception on myself and searching for my identity.

For those of you who experience the similar situation as me, do not lose heart as you are precious in God’s eye too! For Psalm 139:8-18 says

8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b] Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.

p.s. All scriptures quote was from the New King James Version.

- Yit Mun

Images taken from:

http://www.fourteenfloor.com/page/2/
http://www.empower2themax.com.au/self-esteem

Reassurance on Insecurities

All these while, I have been a lone ranger. I jog alone, run errands alone and do many things alone sometimes till midnight without realizing that I put myself at risk.

I was first shaken from my comfy life when my handbag was stolen from my 28-year-old car boot when I went jogging. After that, my new car was smashed by 2 motorcyclists, and they stole my handbag. The 3rd time, my mobile phone was being stolen from the back room of my house. In the most recent case, I was being peeped through the mosquito netting in my room. All these happened just within a year, it causes me to wonder what God intended to tell me even though I have tightened the security.

When the peeping incident happened on Sunday 6.30am, I was really afraid of even going out of my house and attend the morning service. However, my mentor advised me to go, so I did. God has indeed comforted me there and then during the morning service. The message spoken by Uncle Chiong Seng is Haggai 2:4 (New King James Version)

That morning, God says that He will be with me even in the darkest moment of my life. May this verse not be merely head knowledge about God but I could truly experience His presence all the days of my life.

4 Yet now be strong, Zerubbabel,’ says the LORD; ‘and be strong, Joshua, son of Jehozadak, the high priest; and be strong, all you people of the land,’ says the LORD, ‘and work; for I am with you,’ says the LORD of hosts.

Frankly speaking, the fears and nightmares in me still linger till today! Yesterday when I did my Quiet Time, I realized that I need to depend on God too! (Lone rangers like me always do things on my own; seldom pray to God for strength and empowerment etc). Now, I know that I’m not that strong after all and I have to cling on God’s promises on the above verse as well as another verse:- 2 Timothy 1:7 (New King James Version)

7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Actually all these 4 incidents do test my faith on God; I realize my faith was shaken by the evil one. The words and verse that Uncle Vincent mentioned when he was encouraging us to attend the prayer and fasting night on the 9th September 2010 was indeed true - we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6: 12, New King James version)

May, in His time, He indeed make all this things beautiful. Please refer to Song 670 in our usual song book.

In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful, in His time,
Lord, please show me everyday,
As You're teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say, in Your time.
In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful, in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

Craving for your prayers!

Quick Note:

For any of you who do not feel that morning worship or doing quiet time relevant to you, please give yourself a try. Come and stay through the morning worship and spend time studying the word of God as God will indeed speak to you through these. If you have something that you do not really understand, you may check out with the older youths! :)

- Yit Mun

Images taken from:

http://blogintheloop.intheloop.tv/2009/10/22/insecure-men.aspx
http://www.therealestateinvestingjourney.com/2008/11/tithing-on-gross-vs-net-what-exactly-is.html